MIND & BODY

5 Things She’ll Post on Instagram That Tell You Everything You Need to Know

Here are some posts women slap on their Instagrams that will tell you everything you need to know about them…

A friend recently relayed the tale of how he had gone on a few dates recently but ran for the hills after the third. When I inquired as to why, his answer was simple: “She posted on Instagram prior to our first date a ‘First Date Jitters’ meme. Then she posted before our third one that read,‘Third Date Tonight. Time to delete Tinder.’”

That was it. Boom. Gone. Within a few days, he was reading memes about all guys being dogs and the single life. This, of course, begs the question, why hadn’t she blocked him from seeing her feed after he dumped her? But we know why she didn’t: She wants him reading all her not-so-subtle messages. Little did she know, it was a certain message, if not her penchant for posting relentlessly about her personal life in general, that got her cut loose in the first place.

Any post with #FRIYAY

Cat Pics

More specifically, dozens upon dozens of cat pictures. Even if you’re a cat lover, you’re going to immediately sweat that she’s one of those “let the cat rule the house” types and also jonesing for a baby—as you should. Making her cat speak on her Insta doesn’t help either. “What—mommy doesn’t mind!” Oof. The whole referring-to-your-pet-as-your-child thing is downright terrifying. The gal who does this will actually become the “lonely cat owner” she jokes about being.

Ugh. Outside of being the silliest weekend battle cry since “wine o’clock,” this tells you all you need to know as far as what amuses her (she’s definitely going to rail against your Family Guy marathons). Plus this just might be indicative of a girl looking to get to a point in her life where Friday isn’t such a goal, i.e. no longer working. She’ll also probably be a “Grumpy Cat” fan, too, and that’s just unacceptable (see above).

Indulgent Selfies

Obviously, selfies are one of the best things about Insta, especially when you’re scoping out a girl in the early stages. The ability to take a good one—never mind a sexy one—should be appreciated, and a sexy one can pretty much confirm you bagged a babe, which is nice. But one a day? Or (gasp!) even more than that? Can you say, “narcissistic?” You don’t need to see her face from every angle every time you check your Instagram.

Cringy Quotes

Hey, one every once in a while can be refreshing. And everyone needs a glass-half-full person in their life, especially in a “better half.” But it’s got to be that rare occasion, otherwise, they lose their punch. No guy wants a Confucius on the golf course let alone in the bedroom. These types of Instas suggest you might be dealing with a girl who’s all about “energy” and crystals and beads. And not the good beads either.

The Neck Selfie

 This can mean she’s one of those “worldly” lasses who is looking to plug in her camel riding in Egypt or barefoot trek in the rainforest stories to every conversation that erupts. Or that she’s going to be someone you seriously need to keep up with, dude, both financially and physically. Now, the occasional jaunt to Vegas or Turks and Caicos? That’s a keeper!